So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
