Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
