I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Are we still banned from the library?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
