Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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