Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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