so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
