overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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