I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
