Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
