i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
