i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I need a burrito and a hug.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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