anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
