I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
