my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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