you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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