Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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