I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
