I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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