I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
cat food counts as protein by the way
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize