Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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