The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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