Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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