he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
