so that wasnt chicken after all
I just found a bag of teeth...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
