you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
