saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
