the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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