my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
there is glitter all over my balls
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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