I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
