My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
