Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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