Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
