You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
