I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
