My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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