Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
this just has baby written all over it
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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