i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
