Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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