if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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