Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
