dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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