I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
