ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
