the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
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