we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm too high and old for this...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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