I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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