Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
