you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
