yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I think i got beer on your cat.
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