I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
only you would photoshop your dick
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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