see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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