On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
