"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
