Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
