u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
