we have pet lesbian snakes
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
