I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
