hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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