im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
