I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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