i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
