chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
