He had one of those small greek statue penises
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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