I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
