I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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