On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Pooping to opera.
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