My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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