I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
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